I’m seriously freaked out right now. I just played a messed-up game/ROM called Conker’s Worst Fur Day. Anyway, I guess I should tell you my story. When I was younger, I owned an N64, and for my birthday, I got a game called Conker’s Bad Fur Day.
It was a game meant for adults due to the swearing, blood, nudity, sexual references, and so on. But my parents just saw the cover and thought, “Oh, this looks like a cute game, perfect for our son’s birthday!”
I loved that game (I didn’t tell my parents about its content because I knew they’d return it). I played through it and laughed a lot—although I would’ve laughed even more if I’d understood some of the jokes back then.
So, earlier today, I was watching a YouTube video about Sonic, and I came across a video called “Eggman is the Great Mighty Poo.” It sounded familiar, so I saw another related video titled “Conker’s Bad Fur Day: Great Mighty Poo.”
Seeing this reminded me of the game, and suddenly I had a huge urge to play it again. I already had an N64 emulator (Project 64) that I used to relive games like Mario 64 and Zelda. So, I Googled Conker ROM—exactly like that. I clicked “I’m feeling lucky” and landed on a page I don’t remember. I just wanted to play the game. The page was almost blank except for a button in the middle that said, “Download: Conker’s Worst Fur Day.zip.”
I know it sounds dumb that I didn’t find the name odd, but I clicked the button anyway. It downloaded, and I started playing. The game didn’t open with the usual cute N64 logo and Conker slicing it in half with a chainsaw. Instead, it started with a grey squirrel (like the one from the bar in the main menu) running in a poorly lit room. Then a mangled, bloody, wounded Conker appeared behind him and sawed him in half with a chainsaw, spilling guts, bones—everything.
Then Conker looked directly at the screen with his torn, bloody face and said, “You’re in for HELL, fucker.” His voice was off—deeper, and the audio quality was terrible.
The strange thing was that, in the original Conker, the word “fuck” is censored, but in this ROM, it wasn’t. I didn’t notice this at first, and man, it was a mistake to keep playing.
The game started with Conker entering the bar, but instead of the usual menu, all you could hear was loud, eerie, depressing moaning. I immediately turned down the volume—I’m paranoid about certain sounds, especially moaning, which reminds me of a childhood incident and a scary movie.
Then blood started seeping out from under the bar door, mixing with the puddles of rain. The screen faded to black, and it cut to the area where you start the game with a hangover.
“Finally, I can play!” I thought. I was wrong.
There was no cutscene, and Conker was perfectly fine. I pressed B, and Conker swung a chainsaw instead of the usual frying pan. “Cool,” I thought, “I get a chainsaw!”
I jumped over the fence to talk to Birdy, but when I approached him, Conker said, “Hey, shit head. Give me some help.” Birdy responded, “Why the fuck do you need anything? You know how to play, moron.”
What the fuck? I thought. I just took a deep breath and kept going. It was true—I knew the controls, but it still felt weird. Then Conker said, “You fucking shit hole. I’ll cut your fucking head off.”
A lightbulb appeared over Conker’s head, and I pressed B. The game entered a cutscene.
It was dark, lit only by lightning flashes. The screen flashed a disturbing image of Conker killing Birdy with the chainsaw. The same creepy voice said, “Rot in Hell, fucker.” The screen stayed black, then Conker reappeared, and I got control again.
I noticed Birdy was gone, but I pressed on up the mountain path. The gargoyle wasn’t there, and I could hear a strange hissing noise in the background. I headed into the cave, expecting the usual fork in the road.
But instead of the bright field, Conker entered the path to the haunted house. I kept going but forgot about the skeleton snakes, and one attacked me. But instead of the usual animation where Conker is chewed up and spit out, the snake pinned him down, biting him over and over. Guts, bones, and eyes spilled everywhere.
The snake let out a demonic cry before disappearing into the ground. I expected the game to restart at the last checkpoint, but instead, it showed Conker lying in an endless room filled with zombies from the graveyard level. His body was mangled, and his face… his face had no eyes—just empty sockets.
Suddenly, Conker moaned and said, “You never know… a goo… a good thing… until… it’s… GONE!” The word “GONE” was so loud and terrifying, I shut off the sound. It startled me so much I almost wet myself. I ran to the bathroom and came back to see Conker being devoured by zombies, leaving only his head.
The zombies turned to the screen and started walking toward it. I pressed B and pulled out a shotgun, as if the game had turned into a first-person shooter like Halo. I shot them, one by one, until they were all gone.
Then Conker’s severed head moaned again. He said, “Do… Don’t… be… like me… learn… to… love… not… money… be… kind… promise… me…” I had tears running down my face, and I nodded.
Conker’s head let out one last gasp and said, “Good.” This time, it sounded like the real Conker. Then the screen faded to black, and the emulator closed by itself.
I deleted the ROM and shut down my computer. Even now, I can still hear his voice echoing in my head. That ROM was a message to me. I used to be greedy—I had bad habits. Let this be a message to you, too.
Okay? Good.